The Unseen Grief and Exhaustion During a Major Life Transition

Major life transitions are often thought about in terms of what we’re gaining or becoming. A career pivot, a degree, a home purchase, a new relationship, or a longtime bad relationship finally ending. A fresh start, more money, a new identity, exciting opportunities ahead.

What’s often not talked about or recognized is the exhaustion and grief that can come with even positive and expected life changes. As a therapist, this is one of the truths I find myself returning to again and again in sessions: the idea that even positive changes can involve grief.

Maybe it’s because we tend to have a one-dimensional understanding of what grief is, and that limits the depth to which we can identify it within ourselves or discuss it with others.

The reality is, even hoped-for, expected, and positive life pivots often bring various forms of grief with them. Big changes can bring about thoughts like:

• “I forgot who I even am outside of this job.”
• “I’m excited, but also exhausted, and I can’t understand it.”
• “I expected to feel a lot happier about this than I am.”
• “If I’m feeling sad or scared about this change, that must mean I made a mistake.”

This is why it’s so important that we recognize the totality of all that life’s major pivots bring to us on a mental and emotional level. The truth is, we are not one-dimensional beings; we can feel both happy and excited about a big change while also feeling anxious, exhausted, or unsure about what it will mean for our future. And as we’re adapting to all this massive change, of COURSE we’re exhausted; so much mental and emotional processing is happening beneath the surface, even if everything’s going according to plan.

As I so often say in my sessions, two things can be true at the same time: you can feel gratitude and grief, anticipation and anxiety.

Neat and clear emotional transitions don’t occur as soon as you’ve entered a new chapter in life. In fact, I’d say they hardly ever do. So often, we hold ourselves to standards of simplified emotional processing that just don’t make sense in reality, and it keeps us stuck in ambiguous grief.

Therapy during a major transition isn’t about fixing yourself or anything in particular. Often, the work in navigating life’s pivots is making room for everything you’re feeling without judging yourself for it, and that’s easier said than done. Emotional complexity and struggles during life changes don’t mean you’re doing something wrong; they just mean you’re human.